Teach your children: The role of parents in building Armenian identity
For the vast majority of the multitudes active in diaspora communities, maintaining our identity is a constant challenge. While our physical energy is consumed by the vibrancy of our schools, churches, centers and organizations, each of us privately devotes some of our thinking to our future. Will the next generation carry this mission forward?
The question of our future as a diaspora with communities or institutions is not only a function of our spiritual and cultural identity, but also as individuals, a reflection of our personal legacy. Our thinking should be not lost in community generalities but taken personally. Although communities are diverse entities with many moving parts, they are the aggregate of individual commitments. The theory is that the sum of the parts is greater than the whole when we work together. Of course, when factoring in conflicts, egos, different visions and other distractions, the yield is somewhat lower. Harmony does make a difference.
Nevertheless, our work in the diaspora and the homeland becomes a major portion of our personal legacy. We all know individuals who have devoted a lifetime to the ARS, AGBU, ARF or the Church. They are respected and appreciated for their contributions. When they pass away, they are remembered in that context and in other endeavors. Their example also inspires others to carry the work forward.
In that sense, communities function like families. One generation carries the burden of responsibility while the succeeding group learns their way for the future. Eventually, the evolution of transition happens. In our family life, children are dependent on their parents for food and shelter, as well as their values. It is a serious responsibility. When the children come of age, they become parents and assume those responsibilities. The older parents take on a new responsibility as grandparents. It is God’s plan for how values, continuity and learning are sustained.
Our communities in the diaspora operate in a similar vein, but the transitional role between generations must be a more conscious act to assure sustainability. A family unit has defined roles that identify generational activities. It does not guarantee success, but the roles are clearly identified. Parenting is a significant variable in assuring that the family tree remains defined and healthy. Communities need to seek out, and at times, recruit resources to ensure continuity.
When considering the comparison of communities and family succession, we can discover an interesting point. As parents, we are focused on ensuring that our children embrace our values, as well as education and “success” in life. These same parents may be deeply involved in the Armenian community, but have they connected the community and family variables?
Is building a sustainable identity with the Armenian community as important to parents for their children as their career path or buying a home?
We all have met individuals who have made substantial contributions to the community, but whose children are absent from the scene. Certainly, the opposite occurs, telling us that in the diaspora, it is still an individual choice. My daughter married a fine gentleman who is not Armenian. They decided to raise their son in the Armenian community. We were, of course, thrilled with their decision, but I reminded them about the definition of their commitment and the challenges of integrating it into his life during his defining years.
The idea is for parents to assume the responsibility of teaching their children. Most of us delegate their American education to the public school. Likewise, we make similar arrangements for their religious and cultural education through the Church or other community organizations. Despite these vehicles, the responsibility remains with the parents. Our children are always watching their parents and other important adults. If we choose to go to church and Sunday School once a month, then our children will interpret its value. Redundancy and repetitive behavior are important to children when attempting to ingrain values.
How do we live our children’s Christian education in our home life? When our kids bring papers and projects home from church, do we say, “That’s nice,” and never hear about it again, or do we take the time to bring it into our home life? Do we pray as a family before meals, or is that something left only for fellowship after church or during Badarak? Our children are always observing and looking to us for confirmation as to what is important in our lives.
As parents, we must embrace the responsibility of teaching our children to enable
a viable identity. As a starting point, I would suggest practicing core Armenian Christian values, such as prayer before meals and bedtime. Establishing a value on our relationship with God should start as early as other educational values. Our ethnic identity is important, and a simple way to build that foundation early is to discuss your family tree together.
Several years ago, I was teaching a heritage class at St. Vartan Camp. The theme for that week was building an ethnic identity in an American society. As a closing homework assignment, I asked the campers to work on their family tree and history.
Many of the students were concerned about how to begin. I suggested they start by asking their parents simple questions that could be researched together. For example: How did we, as a family, end up in Philadelphia or Washington? When did our ancestors immigrate from the homeland and from where?
This led naturally to other questions and further research. The following summer, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that many campers had explored their family tree and past history, contributing to a greater understanding of who they have become. Unlocking these mysteries can be powerful, especially when guided by parents who send a clear message of its importance. A few of the campers did further work with available genealogy tools and actually presented their work at local schools.
Parents have a legitimate right to be proud of their children when they have educational or career accomplishments. It is a reflection of their parenting success in preparing their children for adulthood. It is intellectually understood, but sometimes difficult for parents to find the balance between protecting their children and preparing them for “leaving the nest.” There are times when they need to experience failure, since most of us learn more during times of adversity.
Teaching our children to build an Armenian Christian identity requires the core functions of role modeling and commitment. There are no guarantees, but we know that chances of generational succession are greatly enhanced by early and continuous participation.
Despite the extensive infrastructure available in our communities with church complexes, centers and schools, the work starts in the home. What do you think your children are thinking when the only time they pray or mention God is on Sundays, and those Sundays are infrequent? How can your child establish an Armenian identity when they don’t know how they came to be?
We have many examples of Armenian families living near extensive infrastructure with little results. Likewise, I have met families who are geographically removed from our communities, yet have sustained a strong identity. The common thread is the role of the parents. If this education is not considered part of the legacy of the parents, then the signal is weak. It is less about teaching specifics and more about placing importance through parental behaviors. I would refer to it as home schooling for values. I am certain that my Armenian life has been significantly influenced by the value placed in our home life.
Parenting is serious business. We generally get one chance to do it correctly. Armenian parenting must always be considered a critical responsibility.
This past week, I was present at a family gathering with several cousins. Despite distance, we have remained close. The conversion shifted toward what caused this closeness. Everyone agreed that our parents made it a priority through visits and activities over many years, resulting in a bond that would be difficult to break.
Establishing an ethnic and spiritual identity in the Armenian diaspora can be interpreted in a similar vein. A sustained commitment from the home during the critical years of development will result in a gratifying return.
At some point in our earthly journey, we glance back to understand what “footprints” we have left and how our legacy will be defined. For most of us, our children and our contributions to society are the majority of our gifts to civilization. As parents, teaching our children the values that have guided us should be an essential element of this process.
For generations, particularly in the diaspora, Armenians have existed and, in many cases, defied sociological standards by ensuring that our children carry the torch of our faith and heritage. Most of our children become a part of our community and therefore a part of our global nation through the foundational work of their parents.
The absence of a home environment where parents take on this responsibility greatly reduces the probability of this continuity so essential to our sustainability. In this context, the definition of parenting includes grandparents, who always play a special role in building a child’s identity.
The window is rather small for this “teaching” process. It is true that parenting never ends, but most of the value transfer occurs before high school graduation. Those early years, when you decide to skip church or not encourage your children to go to camp, AYF or ACYOA, are telling. They all will eventually find their way in life. Will it include an identity connection to their faith and heritage? As parents, we have a significant impact on the answer.
Let us not put ourselves in a position of regret because of lapses along the journey. Teach your children today.
Stepan Piligian
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