It isn’t progress that’s hurting us so much these days. It’s the side effects.
A buddy of mine would be better off in a fall-out shelter when his hyperactive grandchildren pop in for a visit. The whole house goes topsy-turvy.
He can handle the noise. He can handle the mess. What he can’t handle is the scavenger hunt that ensues when his grandson takes the remote to his television set and hides it. A cell phone you can always find. Just dial your number and follow the ring.
But a remote control device? You may as well visit the dealership and pick up another.
In this delirious world of electronics, perhaps my friend is better off. I’ve come to think of remotes as devices that are more intelligent and sophisticated than the people who own them. I may be a little crazy at times, but not stupid. Then tell me: Why does it take a scientific miracle to figure the darn thing out?
Just looking at the remote and trying to solve all the options can send your mind into delirium. The other night, following a recent visit from the installer, I sat on my sofa totally buffaloed. Much as I tried, I could not get the TV to come on. Where was my four-year-old grandson when I needed him most?
Maybe I was pushing the wrong buttons. Perhaps I should have resorted to the manual. I hate manuals. In many cases, you need an engineering degree to figure out the instructions.
Now, it’s 11 o’clock at night and I’m at wits end over the matter. If I call it a night and go to bed, I wouldn’t be able to sleep a wink anyway. A troubled mind only leads to insomnia. So they put me on hold because there are others in the same boat, I presume.
Finally, I get a technician with a foreign voice. She’s putting me through the rigmarole with an accent so deep, I would think we’ve gone transcontinental.
“M’am,” I said, my patience wearing thin, “I cannot turn my TV on. And I’m not going to sleep until this problem is resolved. Go ahead and troubleshoot me.”
The technician put me through the mill. I’m supposed to get the latest Hollywood movies by the simple flick of a finger—history, nature, TV entertainment that would explode on my screen. Music to beat the band. Premium channels. The cutting edge.
I don’t need 200 channels but that’s what the package called for. All I needed was to get a picture so I could rest in peace.
Twenty minutes later, sidetracked by a couple outside referrals, the woman appeared bewildered and tongue-tied. She exercised patience. Mine was already exhausted.
Then finally, a solution arose. She had me power off the VCR and the DVD players and presto! Just like that. On came the television.
Now why the two players had anything to do with the television coming on was beyond me. It also puzzled the technician who could offer no logical explanation other than to say, “Sometimes they don’t see eye-to-eye.”
“You mean to tell me they’re rivals,” I volunteered.
“Electronics is a strange business,” she tried explaining. “Sometimes, the answers don’t come easy. Glad we were able to get the problem resolved. Will there be anything else this evening?”
“Have a good night,” I said, despite the fact it was 11:30. And off to bed I went.
Now I’ve become paranoid. I pick up this remote and turn on the TV, not to watch a station, but to see if it works correctly. I’m like a little kid with a mechanical toy. I have yet to explore Movies on Demand for fear that I’ll press the wrong button and get charged an unreasonable sum for my error.
I am not alone in this dilemma. Many of my colleagues are stumbling over science and wish they were back to the days of yesteryear when TVs were a simplified matter. Mutilation of the human spirit through what we call progress can only have us doing bird imitations.
All these home improvements and push buttons designed to save time and energy only seem to be complicating matters. Please let me survive this Efficient Age.
I now have four remotes sitting on my set. One is for the DVD player. Another for the VCR. I have two others from Comcast—the basic one and the mind-boggler. I often get them confused.
It’s turning us all into dolts. If only there were one, all-purpose remote that would handle all these options, I would rest my case.
Is there any chance I could get the hang of all this hullaballoo?
Remote possibility.
Tom Vartabedian
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