In this ever-changing world of assimilation and ethnic diversity, I’m finding it more and more difficult to keep my children Armenian.
It wasn’t always this way, given their involvement with the church, Armenian School, and various youth groups.
But now that they’re married—each to non-Armenians—it’s become a role reversal. Oh, sure, they’re well aware of their culture and heritage but that’s about the extent of it. With children of their own, I’m hoping to see a renaissance. With all fingers crossed.
If I had the perfect answer, I would write a book on the subject and mark my words, it would turn into a best seller. Begging the question of Armenian stability, sometimes the answers are right before our eyes.
For what it’s worth, I’m prepared to offer readers a guide that may not be foolproof but certainly well worth the exercise. Who knows? What didn’t work for me may be just what the psychologist ordered for you.
–Assuming you don’t know Armenian, I would search the various educational institutes to find a language course. If there is none, go for the history or any class involving an Armenian subject. Sign up for it and bring a child or two. Tell them you will attend as a family and make a social of it.
–Like the old saying, “Monkey see, monkey do.” If you can’t get your kids to an Armenian church on Sunday morning, try attending yourself and maybe offer to teach. Otherwise, play another significant role. Get them enrolled in various classes and make the church a stable part of their lives through high school. The boys could always become acolytes, stole-bearers, deacons, and attend the various religious camps being offered by the Prelacy and Diocese.
–When your kids become of age, don’t hesitate to introduce them to youth groups such as the Armenian Youth Federation (AYF) and Armenian Church Youth Organization of America (ACYOA). Give them choices. A healthy American lifestyle can be complemented by an Armenian side. Get them motivated enough to attend the different commemorations and celebrations. You don’t see kids at these venues anymore unless they’re playing a role. Give them a reason for being there. Include them in your program.
–Host a house party with members of the opposite sex when age permits. As a chaperone, you might monitor the evening’s festivities and teach them various Armenian dances they don’t know. Every legitimate Armenian home should have ethnic music playing around children. Whether they want to hear it or not, trust me, they’ll grow accustomed to it and march to the same beat in time.
–Give them Armenian names at birth. They don’t have to be tongue-twisters. A simple Ara or Sonya or Raffi will suffice. These represent the names of my three children and none of them ever balked. A name is a person’s most sacred possession and gives them identity.
–Suggest a book report on some Armenian subject and work with them in completing the project. Make sure your library has a fair supply of books on Armenian literature. If your town library is devoid of such material, get the youth group to donate a book or two. If nothing else, it’ll give them a sense of community pride.
–Fly the Armenian flag and put your kids in charge. Buy them t-shirts with an ethnic logo. Artifacts around the home are always pleasing reminders of one’s heritage. Turn your house into an Armenian home without overkill.
–The biggest test is when they depart for college and become immersed in non-Armenian circles. Suddenly, their ethnicity takes a back seat. It doesn’t have to be that way. Try and get them involved in an Armenian club on campus or with the Armenian Students’ Association (ASA). If none exists, motivate them to start a club, regardless of the number of Armenians enrolled. All it takes is a few dedicated individuals.
–When summers arrive and most students are in a quandary as to their activity, steer them straight toward Armenia where they can work for a number of benevolent organizations, like the Armenian Relief Society (ARS). One summer in Hayasdan will have them clamoring for more. Or else, they could work as a Congressional aide in Washington, D.C., or intern with the Armenian National Committee of America (ANCA).
–Let them approach such agencies as Project SAVE and the Armenian Library and Museum of America (ALMA) for a volunteer stint. An Armenian nursing home offers potential, if they’re into geriatrics. Might even lead to a career.
The bottom line is to involve them with other Armenians. Make heritage a priority in your family, even if it’s bisected. The results will be positive.
Tom Vartabedian
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God bless Tom for writing this article. It isn’t easy for parents who have tried to raise their children in an Armenian atmosphere see them go off and marry non-Hyes. There is no easy formula. We felt it was necessary to drive our two sons 45 miles round trip to attend Armenian church each and every Sunday till they graduated Sunday school. At home they were surrounded by loving Armenian grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who indulged them in every way. They never even dated an Armenian girl and both wed odars much to my distress. We lose too many of our young men to odar girls but if an Armenian girl marries an odar, at least she tries to bring him into the community. It is heart breaking because frequently there is a clash of cultures and religion. It leaves one wondering and feeling a tremendous sense of loss, saying “where did I go wrong?” It’s a definite let down no matter how compatible one is with the non Armenian khnamees and their child. Take heart, Tom. You gave it your best. There are many in the same boat.
As Armenia gets taken over by Russia, and Russian language schools displace Armenian ones, how will Armenia itself remain Armenian?
We must do everything that we can to put our children in position to be with other Armenian children from as early an age as possible. This is not always easy, as two weeks at Camp or Sunday school is not enough. Who we as parents associate with is critical to this process. If we socialize with other Armenians, our children will be with their children. If we as parents socialize with non-Armenians, then our children socialize with non-Armenians – for the most part. I was blessed to marry a wounderful Armenian woman and am doubly blessed that most all of my close friends are Armenian and, by extension, most all of my children’s friends are Armenian.
We all must find ways to put ourselves and, by extension, our children, in Armenian circles. I do not mean to be discriminatory, but as more and more Armenians marry non-Armenians, our faith, language and culture slowly fades away, no matter how understanding non-Armenian spouses are to our heritage.
In addition to Church and Sunday School and Saturday Armenian School… then Camp Haiastan, as campers and later counselors… Later, whenever there was a function in any of the cities my campers joined with camp friends, stayed at their homes. Too, our home was open to any and all the youth who travelled to be together for any and all events near our home (as well as across the USA)! My children travelled across the nation always staying with friends… Actually, I called my door a swinging door… and too, I enjoyed the ‘swinging’ too! When there was a local event, I never knew how many were coming to ‘stay over’ but in the morning I’d look around, in the bedrooms, and then down in the basement, where all the chairs and couches were ‘occupied’… (and sometimes the floors too). Many other families had too ‘swinging doors’ – for these early friendships are lasting friendships… prescious.
Manooshag
Some families speak Armenian in the home, speak English elsewhere’…M
Nakh SATELLITE heradesilk gabetsek. Globecast@ gayk echm@ ouni
asor masin. $300 dolarov te gu gaben DOUPE te al SATELLITE ANTENNAN.
Bzdigneroun medzstnoh@ betk eh ullah medz maman gam te medz
hairig@ – hargav voronk HAYEREN bidi khosin irents tornigin hed.
Hamovhotov.com gam havesov.com-en MP3 kashetsek (hayeren MP3ner)
yev inknasharjhin mech mi-miyayn mdeeg urek HAYGAGAN nouakee.
Kirker arek hayerenin masin. Abretsek, shnchetsek, khmetsek HAYEREN.
Please don’t despair. The more odars in your family, the more friends and witnesses for Armenian causes. Teach them all things Armenian! What’s not to love?
It’s not necessarily a question being half-Armenian or even quarter-Armenian, or adopted Armenian, because they all can be “more Armenian” than the rest. It is a question of being brought up Armenian through Armenian schools, organizations and whatnot.
Other than that, well, assimilation is a natural and inevitable process in the foreign countries of the globalized world where we live.
A GREAT article Tom. As a young professional of Armenian decent I am convinced this is an important issue for our community and it needs to be discussed a lot more than it is now. I have pondered over these issues for years now with friends and family and I’m 34 years old. We live up north in Canada. The melting pot is a bit stronger down there than it is up here in our quaint multicultural mosaic where the emphasis is supposedly on ‘integration’ of differences rather than on the ‘melting’ of differences. That said however, some of our kinsmen here also have trouble keeping our kids Armenian.
In short it’s so important for our kids to NEVER BE ASHAMED OF THEIR ARMENIAN-NESS AND TO SHOW IT OFF EVERYDAY LIKE THEY WOULD IF THEY OWNED A FERRARI TESTARROSA.
Being Armenian doesn’t serve to replace you being American or vice versa. It just means complimenting one with the other. It’s a value added benefit that differentiates you from the rest of Americans.
Each one of your 10 points made in the latter half of your article can be discussed in broader themes with implications in separate articles in the context of keeping your Armenian-ness. For example, the very important point about naming your children Armenian names is very interesting.
Keeping our kids Armenian and nurturing their appreciation for everything Armenian can be easily influenced by the language we choose to speak amongst our own people but also in the naming of our children in North America.
There seems to be trend in North American Armenian communities for new parents to name their progeny non-Armenian names for whatever reason. Some say it’s easier for the kids to integrate (i.e. assimilate) into society if they have non-Armenian names. A bloody shame really. Isn’t – making it difficult for our kids to assimilate – the point of our whole endeavor to survive and thrive in these lands? This has nothing to do with respect for North American society but everything to do with us understanding North America’s basic tolerance of cultural diversity amongst its populace. Your taxes don’t increase or decrease based on your level of Armenian-ness relative to your neighbor. You don’t survive and thrive in business by trying to be the same as everyone else! The same goes for life. Being Armenian is about being different and understanding WHY we are different and appreciating those differences. We have good reasons and every right to be different in a tolerant society just like every other member from any cultural background.
Many wouldn’t consider it insulting or disrespectful to keep the names of your cultural heritage alive. Most North Americans have learned to say Mohamed and Ali, Ahlam and Mussah. Is it really that much of a stretch for North Americans to learn to appreciate and properly pronounce our Christian Armenian names like Megirdetch, Khatchig, Heripsime, Boghos and Nvart? Will naming our kids with Armenian names really make it more difficult for them to “integrate” into North American society or will it help them further explore their cultural origins and always remember who their great grandparents were and what they fought so hard to keep un-assimilatable amongst the next generation? You and I can understand and appreciate the origins of different names like Mohamed. We have all learned to properly pronounce these names and understand their significance in the larger scheme of the Muslim world. Why can’t WE tolerate OUR OWN cultures names like Megirdetch, Khatchig, Heripsime, Boghos and Nvart and appreciate their difference from all the rest? Michael, Bob, Harry, Peter and James will surely understand to appreciate and properly pronounce our Armenian names in a pluralistic society just as they learned to say Mohamed, Ali, Ahlam and Mussah. Afterall that’s what this land (Canada and the US) is about: learning to be tolerant and understanding of different cultures.
P.S. As Hbard Hai said, today all nationalities use their own ethnic names – and it starts with the schools where the teachers too, learn the new names, and so do the students…
And, as for learning the Armenian language… it is to be considered another language to know, and what is wrong with knowing Armenian (from home) and learning other/more languages such as French, Italian, Turkish??
And, there was an instance of a young woman (whose family spoke only Armenian in their home) while attending the Saturday (half day) Armenian school in NYC upon entering college required to take a language course. She explained she already knew the Armenian language… Armenian history and more which she had learned at the
Saturday school. She took the required test, passed, saved money too!
And look around, whether in schools, TV, Hollywood, or all across the spectrum, Congress, the various fields of endeavors, the names of ‘celebrities’ – even the president of the USA – use their ethnic names… and NO PROBLEM!!
So, it is not a problem elsewhere, except in a few who make this a problem – where it doesn’t have to even exist!!
Manooshag
P.S. The Prelacy of the Armenian Church in NYC issues, annually, a diary/calendar/data
(via donations) and in the rear of this ‘booklet’ is the lists of all Armenian names – for
girls and boys… Manooshag
To David: Assimilation is NOT natural and inevitable in foreign countries if you make an intense effort to resist it. Take it from a 3rd generation born in the USA Armenian who is a hamov-hodov Hye-a-khos Hye. Sadly, repatriation is the only permanent answer, especially at the rate by which our diaspora institutions are withering away.
I’d be interested in hearing from anyone as to what they think it means to remain HYE. How does a “practicing Armenian” think, act or behave? It hope it means more than marrying another Armenian, or more than having a Armenian name, or even more than speaking Armenian. Can a non-Armenian spouse be a good Armenian or is this designation reserved for those born of Armenian parents.
Berge, here are survey results from Hye Etch:
http://www.hyeetch.nareg.com.au/armenians/true_arm.html
There’s nothing wrong with being proud of one’s heritage! I believe that people of ALL nations should emphasize that to their youth!
I agree. Armenia itself is losing its identity before any of our diasporan children are. Perhaps direct aid in health services to Armenia as well as educating oneself and one’s children about our ancient culture (pre-christian roots) which is being lost even in the homeland by the mass westernization of culture in Yerevan, is more important than simply doing “Armenian” activities in the diaspora. There seems to be a certain disconnect and false idea of the state in which Armenia itself really is.
my comment was directed toward TAMAR.
Berge – one can not be a “good Armenian,” as you designated, or Armenian at all, if they are not actually Armenian. Being a “good” Armenian is based, first and foremost, on actually BEING Armenian. An Armenian man or woman must do everything possible to marry another Armenian. I know, so many say it’s not realistic or not necessary in these “modern” times. Well, it is definitely more difficult to marry another Armenian but that does not make it less important to do so. Then one most do everything possible, as so many have written here, to ensure that they are active in the Armenian church, Homenetmen, AYF, ARF, ARS, AGBU, Knights of Vartan… They must also ensure that their children are involved with these and similar organizations as well. They must, if at all possible, send their children to Armenian schools, whether full-time where available, or on Saturdays or Sundays. They must do what they can to continue to speak and write Armenian. They must do what they can to pass on our history to our children, to be faithful fathers and mothers and wives and husbands. To not divorce so easily. To not ensure that they associate with other Armenians. There is so much more…
Bottom line, though, and no matter the intentions of one’s non-Armenian spouse, is that our heritage, culture, language and history will be forgotten the more our people at assimilated. This is not to say that there are not many wonderful and caring non-Armenian spouses out there. Bottom line, though, is that one can not be a “good” Armenian without being Armenian.
Hye Areni, citizens of Yerevan are attempting to become’westernized’… but all the villages I saw all the way to Kapan were fine Haiastansees… thorougly… as they say, the salt of the earth!
Manooshag
are you all living in the same world as me? who says you will fall in love with an armenian? why is our culture so ignorant about relationships. why do we have the word ‘odar’ – how humiliating it is for your non – armenian inlaws.
some of the most successful people who give back to the armenian community are not married to armenians. i would never want to limit my children to associate with their culture only – they need to share their culture wiht others. it’s not that hard to speak armenian to your kids at home and take them to church. it’s easy if it’s important to you.
Karoon, “who says you will fall in love with an Armenian?” Of course not if you are odaraser but you will most likely if you are hayaser! I can understand you if you leave in isolated community where there are only two Armenians with one being old the other one ugly. It’s kind of hard to choose Armenian, unless you leave in the moslem society and have no choice. But luckily today with internet, people can connect with many others of their peer. There are many forums, social networks, dating sites, organizations, newspapers, blogs, youtube, etc.
Now, what’s wrong with word odar? Why is it being non-Armenian humiliating for you? That’s all that word implies in this context that they are non-Armenian, they are odar we say. Why do you assume that staying Armenian and associate with Armenians means isolation from the world? Jews remain Jewish doesn’t make them disconnected from the society or make them less successful in life. What’s wrong with being hayaser for us then?
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