Vartabedian: Thoughts While Shaving

Saving face I’ll never forget the first time I saw my dad shaving in the bathroom. I watched with intent as he lathered his face and wiped it clean with a straight-edge razor. I wanted to shave and couldn’t wait to become of age. He looked at me and said, “When the time comes, don’t look forward to it. It’s one of those chores you try to avoid.” He gave me another piece of advice. “And when you do shave, never get up in the morning with a long face because you’ll have that much more to shave.” The intent here being to always look happy and smile. My grandson stood by watching me shave the other morning. His dad—my son—fancies a beard but uses an electric razor when he cleans up his appearance. “Papa,” the youngster said, “I never want to shave when I get older.” “Then you should have been born a girl,” I told him. Code of ethics We’re very influenced by codes. No matter where we go or what we do, we’re obliged to play the numbers game. We have social security numbers, bank codes, insurance policy codes, computer codes, and that’s only the beginning. If you go into a diner, the waitress tells the cook, “One BLT down and hold the mayo.” I’d like to enter a bank and hear the teller say, “Give me 3 Georges, 5 Abes, and 10 Jeffersons to go.” Life is a process of acquiring more and more numbers—until, of course, your number is up and it’s time to depart. Birthday blues By the time you read this, I will have just celebrated my 73rd birthday. I told the family to keep it simple this year, bypassing the annual hoopla and celebrating with just the kids. Sooner or later, we all want the same thing for our birthday—not to be reminded of it. Women tend to be a different story. The wife who doesn’t want to be reminded of her birthdays is disappointed when her husband forgets about it. My mother was a good one for celebrating birthdays. She had 98 of them before she passed. Toward the end, she would moan and groan at the idea of going to a restaurant and spending money on her—then would go bragging about the experience to her friends. She never forgot mine, right to the end. Old as she was, a check was always in the mail. “Never count the years,” she advised me, “unless there’s nothing else left to count.” Looking past the stars I’m not much for astrology but usually at breakfast I have my horoscope read to me like the “wish of fate.” I’m mind deep into the latest sports news when a voice across the table blurts out, “Better be careful today. Says here you’re going to encounter an unexpected turn of events that could prove unfortunate.” I could lock myself in a closet or crawl under the bed to avoid any predicted calamity. But no. The world is waiting for me. Lots of people believe in astrology and horoscopes. They believe that the heavenly bodies influence human behavior. It’s a fact that when there is a full moon people act differently. For some reason, the crime rate goes up. Maybe because muggers can see easier at night. Don’t know if that has anything to do with astrology but it may be a good assumption. In my opinion, I tend not to fall for such poppycock. Religion gives faith and the church gives hope. Nothing deceives like a horoscope. Sorry. Bits and pieces I got a high compliment the other day from one of my readers. He told me, “Every article you write is better than the next one.” One thing has always bothered me about the newspaper industry: why we can devote six pages to sports and barely one story to education each day. It’s wonderful that groups get together periodically to renew acquaintances, exchange ideas, boast about their children, and redirect hostilities. Remember, anyone who will gossip with you won’t hesitate to gossip about you. Commercials are killing TV. I can’t get through a movie or news broadcast without one car ad after another. The channel surfing that follows drives other viewers in my family crazy. Seems like every other station also has a commercial break. I’m better off taking a respite in the kitchen or bathroom than being exposed to every deal of a lifetime. What makes you happy? I’ll tell you what. If it weren’t for your troubles, we’d never be able to appreciate happiness. Enjoy yourself while you can.

Vartabedian: Thoughts While Shaving

This story is FREE for you...

Tom Vartabedian

This story is FREE for you...

Tom Vartabedian

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