Apigian-Kessel: Baptism by Fire

When a Non-Armenian Becomes a ‘Hars’

To my readers: This column is a setup for one that will follow next week, when I’ll bring you the story of an exceptional woman who became one part of an exceptional couple that has had a strong, loving marriage for 62 years. They are Betty Franck Giragosian and Haike Giragosian of Glen Allen, Va. I am privileged to tell their story.

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We have all heard about the turmoil created in families when children decide to marry non-Armenians. The object of their affection gets labeled an “odar,” an outsider, not one of us. The words roll off the tongue as if it were bitter poison. Parents’ hearts get broken and it becomes a situation of despair. The outsider then feels the burn of it.

In this column I am going to concentrate on Armenian young men marrying non-Hyes. It is generally believed that when Armenian girls marry odars they try to bring them into the community.

We ask, “What was lacking in their culture that they wanted to invade that of us, Armenians?” It is difficult to meld people together from dissimilar ethnic backgrounds, especially Armenians, and there was, at least, a good reason for it: Their population was decimated by the genocide they suffered at the hand of the Turks, and they were bent on rebuilding their numbers.

I have heard the angst of many an Armenian mother who has felt the sorrow of losing her son to an odar. It is like a slap in her face. She only wanted the best for him and believed only a nice Armenian girl could do for him what his mother expected of her. This was particularly true of the survivor generation, and can still often be true. Sometimes even an Armenian girl cannot break down the barrier the boy’s mother has set up.

In this modern day, no marriage is guaranteed, but Armenians still have a low divorce rate. When you wed you don’t just marry a person, you marry a family. To believe otherwise is folly.

The going can get rough, families are torn apart. The same people who sacrificed and nurtured the son get abandoned by him. The son goes the way of the outsider who makes no effort to understand his family history; they see no value in the strings that tie Armenians to their blood lines.

Armenians have a remarkable history, and those people who decide to take on an Armenian spouse should make an effort to acquaint themselves of it. There is something special about a nationality of people who have survived thousands of years in an unfortunate geographic location. Armenia was located on the Silk Road and bore the brunt of invaders coming from every direction. Still she survived.

People must remember their ancestors who died under horrible circumstances and how valiantly the survivor generation, without knowledge of language or job skills, worked the most menial of occupations to rebuild their lives in a strange land. They were the greatest generation and they are not to be forgotten. It is a debt we can never repay.

Armenians are an ancient, noble, peace-loving people given to industriousness and artistic accomplishments. Those that were fortunate to make it to the free world desperately wanted to create an environment where they could hang on to their old way of life.

With their nickels and dimes they built churches and community centers where they could maintain their language and customs. In particular, they viewed their sons as the salvation of their smashed nation. They should meet Armenian girls and produce Armenian children, regenerating a vibrant population. It was, in a way, getting justice for the losses they incurred during the genocide.

The survivor generation had lost their families and lands during the turmoil of 1915-23. Give thought to what it was like to be a child wandering alone, hungry, dirty, and thirsty in a hostile land.

Was culture clash in the U.S. inevitable? There was the difference in language, food, traditions, and religion, and then there was the attachment Armenian mothers had especially to their golden sons and how they were indulged.

When a non-Armenian enters the traditional close knit Hye family, there are not only the man’s parents to win over but there could also be opposition from his siblings. Then, too, there is the tongue-wagging of relatives and neighbors. Everyone makes it their business.

You can run and hide, or you can become part of the rebuilding, renewing process. A wise man recently said that no matter how much or how little Armenian blood you have in your veins, you are Armenian!

Betty and Haike Giragosian’s story proves that it takes an exceptional non-Armenian to pave the way for cultures to meld in a loving, productive way.

Betty Apigian-Kessel

Betty Apigian-Kessel

Betty (Serpouhie) Apigian Kessel was born in Pontiac, Mich. Together with her husband, Robert Kessel, she was the proprietor of Woodward Market in Pontiac and has two sons, Bradley and Brant Kessel. She belonged to the St. Sarkis Ladies Guild for 12 years, serving as secretary for many of those years. During the aftermath of the earthquake in Armenia in 1988, the Detroit community selected her to be the English-language secretary and she happily dedicated her efforts to help the earthquake victims. She has a column in the Armenian Weekly entitled “Michigan High Beat.”

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